May 28th, 2017

The Self Fulfilling Haze

She’d known forever that there was something she was longing for.
Something outside herself she desired.
A friend, a companion, a partner, a lover.
The list went on and on

As she experienced each one nothing really filled that hole.
There was something she was longing for.
Something she believed she needed to feel fulfilled.
Completed.

Sure, she’d heard
The answers lie within
But that never clicked
Still she searched outside of herself
Picking through reality
Wanting something to scratch the itch
Fulfill the craving

In this moment she pity those who were close
Because this longing put so much pressure on them
Even if so much of it remained unspoken


The unsatisfaction
The constant craving
Never saving herself
Instead sharing it all
Wondering why she would fall
Collapsing with exhaustion.

Now it made sense
So suddenly
Like a lightning bolt coming in to show her
What she was always searching for.

It was a feeling within.
Almost as if she was all she needed.
Completed.
No more looking outside herself
All of her doubts
Subsided.

Again, she knew the answers were inside
But it wasn’t until this moment
As she looked to the mountains,
To the sea,
To the sun setting in perfect harmony
That she felt as if she could finally see
The answer was she.

It wasn't outside
But inside
Finally all those teachings and people who shared that
Didn't bother her
Or frustrate her
As they did before.

Previously it felt like they had a secret key they were hanging over her
An answer she couldn't see
But was always told she had access to
Now she knew
That feeling when you know you've got you
That was the glue.

She knew in these moments,
Floating in bliss.
If she was always her own companion
She could melt into just this.

She’d been searching the surface
For the depth that she craved
Now it opened before her
She entered it like a cave

A cave of compassion
Of self understanding
Of landing within her own soft spot
That was not dependent on anyone else.

That gifted her independence.
And clarity
For now she saw why those surface desires
Where never fulfilling.

This deep satisfaction came from inside
Something between me, myself and I
Now that it was unlocked,
She could never hide

Hide away in the old mind games
The self sabatoging patterns
Fear, hatred, intentions scattered.

No, now she knew that she wanted
For this self understanding to deepen
For those around her to finally be let off the hook
She was the rock she had been searching for.
Now they were free to be
And so was she.

Expectations how heavy they weigh.
As she felt into it she never wanted to go back to that way
She wanted to stay
In the self fulfilling haze
For all of her lasting days.